The Power Of Saying No

This post is for my best friend from grade school, the girl next to me ordering at Starbucks, the mom in my daughter’s preschool class, the girl cramming for midterms, the single mom who works 2 jobs and raises 3 kids, the power attorney in a male dominated world, and even the dad who coaches each of his kids’ soccer teams.

The point is we are all at some point or another spread too thin.  We all say yes to a multitude of things that we wished we had said no too.

Why has our society guilted us into pretending to be the perfect form of ourself?  When did it become a standard that perfectionism was ideal reality?  We all just want to feel normal; like we fit in.  But what is fitting in and who are we trying to fit in with?  Are these the types of people that we can let our guard down with and who we really want to spend the little free time we have with?  Not really.  I heard a talk once about how many of us just want to feel like we have more going on for ourselves than our friends around us.  But really, there will always be someone who seemingly “has more than you” and someone who “has less than you.”  The funny thing about perception is what some of us deem as having more or less is really only defined by that individual.  My husband and I talk about our upbringings a lot and even though we grew up very differently than our daughters will, as kids we didn’t realize deprivation because we simply assumed that we had it all.  You don’t know what you don’t have and you can’t want more if you are already shown that you DO indeed have it all.  Materialism or not.

I think my ultimate reasoning for becoming a victim to the yes game stemmed from my need to fit in as a mom.  This was a new world to me and since I quit working I wanted to feel good at something again.  Not just keep a tidy house, have dinner on the table, take the kids to soccer kind of good, but rather have all the other mom’s ooh and ahh and ask me how I do it all and so fricking good!  Why you ask?  For me?  No not personally, it was more so that other people thought I was good at it so I might actually believe it too.  I poured my old job’s drive and need for affirmation into my new job, a mom.  I wanted to show other mom’s don’t worry I’ve got this!  You need a cake for the school carnival, of course.  You need me to help coach soccer, definitely.  You need me to co-chair the Junior League gala, fantastic.  You need me to host a dinner party for 12, yep!  In heels?  I mean is there any other way?  But who was I ultimately hurting?  Me yes, but also my family and those I love around me.  I was bitter inside and not enjoying life the way God had intended it.  You can’t appreciate those and the beauty around you if your head is always buried in other people’s dirt.

Since moving last year, I was forced to be alone and away from everything that was comfortable for me.  I had no groups to ask me to help, no friends to have coffee dates with, no school functions to rope me into.  So in an essence, it was easy for me to say no because no one asked me…..period.  During this time, I found myself content with little to no stress.  I took my kids to the park, we ate ice cream for breakfast, we played like actually got on the floor and played.

Maybe part of my need for the picture perfect family stemmed from being a project of divorce, trying to fill that void that I had as a child.  Longing for that white picket fence and a simple need for conformity.  Something that was so normal to most, but seemed so strange to me.  Every parent does the best that they know how too and mine were no different.  I grew up in a house full of love, but with a very busy single mom of 3 and there wasn’t much time for play.  So I made a choice at a young age that given the opportunity I would someday stay home with my kids because that was a luxury I didn’t get as a child and it’s one that I wouldn’t change for the world…..most days…..kidding.

Another integral part of our overcompensations come from forcing our kids to become over-involved.  Those of you parents reading this know exactly what I’m talking about.  Yes you, we all do it!  Maybe it’s because we fear they won’t have as many friends if we don’t get them involved or they will be behind and won’t make “the team” (not the B team, we all want them on the A team) if we start them too late.  We are always becoming victims to the comparison game and simply can’t bear the thought of failing our children.  I am the queen of overcommitting my kids.  I mean the gaol is to make our kids more successful than ourselves right?  But maybe we should sit back and let our kids be kids and enjoy free time, because it’s few and far between as an adult.  I try and put my kids in one sporting activity a season as well as one other sensory building hobby like music.  It’s still a lot, especially when you have three kids and our youngest hasn’t even started extracurricular actives…..yikes.  I feel like this allows them to focus on one thing at a time and decide if they like it or not.  I know these words are hard for me to stomache saying, but ultimately are kids are not us and we should not force them into an activity that they may not actually enjoy.  By realizing this we have A.) finally removed something off of our to-do list, B.) spared them from playing something they don’t actually enjoy and C.) saved money!  Easier said than done huh?

So in all that rambling and with all of that being said, be more present in your life and truly enjoy it.  It’s the only one you’ve got, and YOU make all the rules.

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